My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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