If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
