please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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