I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
