kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
