That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
