I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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