we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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