Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
