we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
