i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
