david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
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