you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
