bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
