it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
