Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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