We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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