that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize