my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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