I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize