I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Vodka?
Forever.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
