420 ftw
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
