Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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