my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
