Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
