This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
