I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
