My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you would pick up someone in the library
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
