Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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