I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
