If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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