It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
