it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
