I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Still dying that you shit outside
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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