she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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