Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize