well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
