i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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