Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love having hate sex.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
