i permit you to call me
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
