He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Farmville is her only friend.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize