Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
