We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
