I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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