i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You are a genius and a whore.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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