Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Green mimosas i think yes
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
