I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
