yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize