yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
