I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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