The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
