Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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