I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
