This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
