My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
