i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
