Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
