I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
