I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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