i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
