I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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